Amidst the exhilarating rush of wedding planning and overseeing the renovation works of our new place, I sometimes feel a pang of guilt, sorrow, and regret. You see, my Grandad (whom I fondly call Ah Kong) is critically ill at home in Seremban, my Popo has been admitted into IJN for infection of the valve, and my uncle is in the hospital for some follow-up treatment subsequent to his major operation back in December. I have been running to and fro 3 different hospitals since last month! And will be 'celebrating' Chinese New Year in the hospital with my Popo and in Seremban with my Ah Kong, who is bedridden.
I feel guilty because I shouldn't be feeling so joyous when people close to me is in sickness. Sorrow because I don't understand why calamity has been bestowing upon my family - one after another. There seem to be no end.
Regretful because I know my Ah Kong will not be able to stay long enough to witness my wedding ceremony. I know I shouldn't be saying this but this is a fact. And facts always hurt. He is deteriorating so fast day by day. Every week when we go and visit him, he seems so much worse off. It is heart-wrenching. And above all, he won't be there sitting at the front row in church witnessing me reciting my vows. There will be one empty seat left on the VIP table in Marriott. How can this happen? I cannot comprehend.
Sometimes, I feel that God has been really cruel to me and my family. Why inflict sickness? Why let my family members go through the suffering? I really don't understand. I really don't. I know the mechanics of me needing to trust God and to let His will be done.
Let me tell you. No one will understand the current situation that I am in. I want to trust God, I really do. But I can't. I tried and I just can't. I need an explanation!! Sometimes trusting alone is not enough.
Honestly, I am sad that my Ah Kong will not be part of my big day. I really am. I am sad that I will not see him in any of my wedding photographs.
I really do hope that my Popo will be strong enough and I pray that at least she will be able to see me on my wedding day and if God willing, to see me giving birth to my child - her great grandchild.
They say in every cloud/thunderstorm/rain, there is always a silver lining. I need to see the silver lining. Desperately.
Signing Off.
No comments:
Post a Comment